Miniature houses for the spirits of his ancestors sat in his front yard.
He shared with us that when he erected the "houses" for the spirits of his ancestors to dwell in, he began losing his sight from that day forward. Soon, his family would come to sacrifice a lamb before them, that his ancestors might give him back his sight. He used to follow Jesus but he left Him for a different path long ago. The details of his coming back to the Lord are for another time, but in the end, we watched him burn those houses/altars to the ground. Then praying for the final time for his sight to return, he was able to tell us how many fingers we were holding up. Upon our return trip three weeks later, his smile was contagious as he explained that his sight had only continued to improve. Yet, it was his confession afterwards that is the fuel behind my writing.
He said that he felt despair. He realized that his way of making money over the last few years had been performing witchcraft for people in exchange for payment. Now how would he provide for his family? I imagine that my experience in talking to him must have been something similar to what it is like to talk to a man about to go out on the ledge. Like, he was internally pleading with us to give him a good reason not to go back to his destructive lifestyle.
"Jesus costs too much.'"
This is the essence of what he was weighing out.
Many of us have concluded the same, and I would agree.
Jesus does costs too much, but He only costs "too much" for those who are looking to hold something back for themselves after it is all said and done. Words like surrender, sacrifice and consecration have for many of us been categorized as a thing or state that we will continue striving to attain "one day".
"One day I'll be at that place spiritually."
"One day God will be able to use me in that capacity."
"I'm just not at that place yet."
"Life is too hard if I can't have my ___."
"I have ____ going on right now."
"I can't change all at once."
We are all confronted with that day of decision. It is ugly. It is raw. It is painful.
Sitting on his log "couch", my heart broke for him. A familiar feeling crept over me, and a lump rose in my throat. I felt such compassion for the man. No person's circumstances are the same, and no one can make the decision for anyone else. I could relate to the look in his eye and the feelings he was expressing. I remember my husband and I quitting our jobs and becoming full time missionaries. I remember not knowing where the next paycheck was coming from. I remember using up every last bit of our savings to get out on the mission field, but I also remember the place where I found peace. It was that quiet place of prayer and worship, locking eyes with my Savior. Only He gave me a joy that literally made my burden light. No one can physically take us to that place. We have to choose to go there.
The ultimate expression of this has to be Mary pouring the jar of perfume on Jesus' feet. If she had looked at the sandy toes and smelly feet she was pouring her costly gift on (probably representing her security, life savings, etc), she might not have followed through. Dirt and perfume don't mix... and no one would have faulted her for feeling that way. But, thankfully, it wasn't the filth that she was focused on, it must have been Jesus' face. She knew what it was like to lock eyes with her Savior, and let her familiarity with His face lead her into that place of absolute surrender. After all, he had raised her own brother from the dead (Jn. 11:2).
Maybe your brother wasn't raised from the dead. Maybe you have no guarantee of what will happen next. Maybe it seems to some that it is unfair for absolute surrender to be required of us. Maybe we would argue that it is not unreasonable of us to keep something back for ourselves. And while this is an area that I am finding myself constantly tested in, I can say that whatever perfume I have found myself pouring out, He has ALWAYS taken care of me. And so, I would encourage all of those still holding onto their "bottles", Jesus doesn't NEED perfumed feet... but after you start pouring, you will instantly wish that you had more to give. He is worth every drop.
